There’s a ton of conflict in my head
I’ve been meditating for a couple months now. I’ve been in the process of trying to delve into my own ego to realize it’s flaws in understanding things and reacting in situations, and change things so I can become a better person.
Lately I have not felt good mentally, however. While I do have an anxiety disorder (and seasonal depression to an extent), I don’t think I can say this is nothing more than a disorder. I can’t just say “oh, it’s JUST my anxiety.” Because my anxiety has been flaring up lately.
I feel like there’s a lot of conflict in my head. I’ve been more aware of how my ego works, and how I react in situations. I’ve seen aspects of myself that I don’t want to continue to act. I’ve developed a fairly judgmental mind, and I doubt myself very often, especially when it comes to internal growth. I also think the reason why I’ve been having more anxiety lately is because I’m scared of anxiety. Like, after finding out I have an anxiety disorder, I’m on edge about it flaring up again. Obviously, this isn’t good for anxiety. It’s a self-fueling cycle.
I just don’t understand. I feel like it’s difficult to really CHANGE the ego. My mind has went from judging and fighting others to judging and fighting itself. And after meditation and practicing self-awareness, being aware of the battles in my head are painful. I’m sure they’ve always been going on. It’s just that now that I SEE them, I just get overwhelmed. And when I wake up in the morning, I do get anxious. But not about the day ahead of me. I just start thinking “what if I end up feeling anxious the moment I wake up? That would suck.” And then I start to feel anxious!
I also mentioned seasonal depression. It’s just hard to pin down. I can’t say for sure how common it is because it feels fairly random, usually at sundown. There are some moments where I just feel gloomy for no reason. Like for some reason, the WORLD around me gets sad. And that makes me feel sad and gloomy. Random things feel like dreadful dead ends. This sadness doesn’t feel common though, even though it might happen on a regular basis.
I feel like this is entirely situational. The changing seasons, combined with school, combined with a stressful home life, combined with just turning 18, combined with past experiences with psychedelics that temporarily shattered my world view, combined with my own self-doubt culminating after being discovered by me, could’ve all lead to this issue.
I’m not sure how I can make it through to the other end of this. I know I’m being shown something very important, but I don’t know how to interpret it or incorporate it into how I live. Changes need to be made, but I don’t know how I’ll go about starting this. I don’t know if I even feel capable of changing. Maybe I’m just being impatient. I just feel like my ego is becoming self destructive. Feels like it’s kicking my ass because it doesn’t wanna change. It’s almost as if it’s scared, so it’s throwing everything it’s got at me and causing a lot of pain. Possibly to try and show me how much control it has in my life. I don’t know.
Can anyone offer any advice or help? Whether it be from the dharma, from personal experience, or a book recommendation, even advice for mental health, I’m open to any support. I appreciate anyone who wants to help.
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