The Banality of Dukkha
I had a good day. I've been four months without a car. It's been nice to get to know my large midwestern city on a street by neighborhood level, and walking six or more miles a day for work has been quite a lot of fun. But now that's over because I got myself a car. It worked out surprisingly well too. I've never been one to carry debt. No credit cards ever. No loans from the bank or a retailer. Just my student loans. This has led me to have a much lower credit score than I would like, which I assumed would keep me from getting a nice new ride. A hooptie, I thought, was in my future. Turns out that wasn't the case and long story short I have a very nice new car, and a very sizable new loan to go along with. I'm very happy and excited. For instance, I get to go to the Zen center I've been pining to check out for months. And dates! I get to go on dates again!
Life is suffering, though. We all know this, and as I lie in bed unwinding and settling down the dread and fear and guilt of the whole process arises within me. I like my new car, but now I'm beholden to it. I have taken on my largest financial responsibility since college and it's going to be a burden of some sort at least for the next few years.
Our joys are also our sadness. The choices we make to extend our freedom also bind us. Dread and the simple unsatisfactory nature of life hovers over everything we do, even those things that make us happy. That's ok too. We're not all going to be monks after all. It's fine to want things and get them, but dukkha increases in direct proportion to whatever it is we end up collecting. I'm reminding myself to be grateful for my good fortune, but not to forget what the real work is.
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