New to Buddhism - Questions about breaking Precepts.

A bit of background: I am not Buddhist (yet) but I am a huge believer of causing no harm and being the best person I can be, and Buddhism is increasingly making a lot of sense to me. I am looking into it on an on-going basis.

My current question is about the Precepts. I have broken the majority of them at some stage to varying degrees. I have definitely caused people pain in the past, and have been a horrible person. I have apologised where possible, but I can't take those actions back, and there are some situations where reconciliation can't occur.

Aside from the occasional alcoholic drink, I don't break them now (and haven't really broken them for years) but I still feel horrible about the times I have broken them in the past. I keep asking myself whether I would be a fake or dishonest Buddhist because of these past events.

I have definitely grown as a person in recent years, and I have realised a lot of my previous actions have been influenced to some extent by a long period of trauma (I have PTSD, depression, anxiety, have suffered agoraphobia etc). For example, gossiping as a way to feel socially accepted, being socially inappropriate, pushing people away, drinking heavily and causing other people grief/harm. Again, these aren't things that happen now (or not that I am aware or), but I feel so much remorse, shame, and worry about them that I don't really know where to go from here.

I would value input from experienced people, and/or others who have had similar concerns!

Many thanks.

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