Making sense out of mistakes?
I felt angry (ego reaction to hurt). How could I be such an idiot?
The ego wants to make sense out of everything. Make everything that you do meaningful, leading to a higher purpose, or something. Pleasure. Benefit. Whatever.
Then what happens is that I wait 30 mins for a specific bus on a cold windy day instead of taking other buses and walking short distance,or even just walking would've took me 15. Why did I do it? No idea. Many people would shrug this off, but it really hurts me.
An event like this completely ruins my framework, beliefs. 'everything that I do is meaningful'. I never waste time. My time is categorized, mostly of activities that provide future benefit.
This, waiting for a bus, is the most meaningless activity I did in the last 2 months. Of course, when I say 'meaningless' I mean no strategic intent, no benefit (this is key).
So my ego tries to keep my framework by saying : Ok this had meaning, I can pull one from it. Lesson learned?
For most mistakes you can learn something. Hungover? Never again. Etc.
But for this? I'll never wait a bus again? I'm bound to make mistakes of this type many many more times..
The only thing I see as 'useful' is practicing letting go in such a situation. I saw my mind at work 'What a fucking idiot I could've already been there practicing languages! I just stood here, wasn't even present, wasn't even pleasant, utterly meaningless.
But then, I'd never write this unless it happened. Which might mean that that one event was casually more fruitful for my spiritual progress than sitting. Should I then replicate these kinds of situations??! No fucking idea!
This bothers me :) advice appreciated. May you be well!
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