Practicing with Illness
ÝHi. I thought I'd ask some advice as I am trying to live much more in line with the dharma. I am chronically ill so feel too limited to go the full way of a retreat, or even close. For me it's about pouring all the energy that I do have towards the dharma, however much that is on any given day.
I've been studying Buddhism for four years, and lately I've found my interest growing to the point where living the dharma has become my biggest focus. Upon realising romantic and sexual interest to be the biggest distraction to the work I desire to do, I resolved, quite happily, to be celibate.
I don't work due to my sickness but I've been volunteering a lot recently, as part of my practice which the local geshe suggested to me. I live in an intentional community and mix connecting with others in a caring way with plenty of solitude.
During my time alone, I spend a lot of time contemplating things such as impermanence, reciting mantras etc. I meditate for short periods of time that brain fog ( illness related ) allows. I have not taken on a teacher formally, but I am getting to know a Geshe through the local sangha. I attend (online ) the three weekly classes he offers
. Anyway, my biggest difficulty is knowing how far to go with avoiding sensuality in every day life. The focus of my practice is compassion. I've been terrible with people sometimes and I'm aiming to treat them more kindly. I'm aiming to trest mysrlf more kindly. I don't live near my family or most of my friends so I spend quite a big amount time on social media trying to keep up with them, care about them and stay involved in their lives. That's part of my compassion practice, but obviously too much, or any, social media does not calm the brain.
I sometimes feel like I'm too harsh on myself by not listening to music or watching movies/Tv, reading fiction. But these things feel like real distractions to me, covering up what's underneath. I am really trying to get to know myself. Sometimes I give in though, if 'm having a particularly distressing or painful day. I don't know if this is compassionate or covering up issues when I could most benefit from facing them. But on the opposite side, if I don't use any entertainment or social media, I tend to just burn out.
The other thing is, I lay around a lot. I have to cos I'm sick. I spend at least half my day on the couch. I don't wake up at the same time each day because if I sleep for 11 hours with this illness, that's a good thing. But none of that really does much for disciplining the mind.
So you could say that I'm a full time practitioner in a way, because everything I do is in line with that. But obviously I can't do even a quarter of what your usual dharma practitioner would do in terms of meditation and practice. But since dedicating myself to practice and eliminating /cutting down some distractions, I really do feel that I am slowly gaining deeper understanding of the path and becoming a tiny bit more caring. So it feels worth it to make these sacrifices because I'm doing what is important (to me)
I am living with an illness that completely motivates me to do what I can. It has made me not take life for granted. As a consequence, I can't bear to waste a moment on things thst don't lead to true happiness for myself and others. I feel frustrated that I do have to spend so much time pandering to my illness, but then my illness is the reason I began practicing with greater motivation.
it's a tug of war about tryjng to be patient with my illness too, and also worrying thst if I go too far down the route of eliminating sensuality, I'll alienate the people in my life.
I am just seeking some input on anything I've written in this post. I don't think the Geshe reslly understands that I have a chronic illness, or rather, the implications. I'm still building the relationship with him and if he can understand, I'm sure he'll be able to offer some specific advice too in terms of my practice. I think it's good to get people's perspectives here.
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