im taking care of my elderly kitty (chronic kidney disease), injecting her daily with fluids, showering her with love, & monitoring her when i can, & i’m feeling out of this world afraid/immobilized/cloudy/tingly/short of breath, all the while “knowing” at the heart of this that i’m completely ok...
i feel like i am sucked in. i feel as if i am doomed. and it’s odd, because i know i’m not intellectually. but i feel carried away, trapped in this terrifying stream of events. injecting her with her fluids has been utterly terrifying. my body shakes. she can feel my energy. surrounding this whole thing, is so much fear. i have never, ever, felt these body feelings so strong. my gut and my thighs tense up and start to spasm, or shiver, as if i were very cold. i try to breathe into it, be with it, let it flow, but i cannot function at all if i do that. my buddhist mind is not too keen in intentionally distracting myself mentally, but it’s the only thing that relieves the immobilizing physical sensation. behind this fear, of course, are thoughts. conditions, traumas, past experiences, habits, all coming to the surface. there is this “belief” that i am in trouble, that this situation is scary, that i’m unable to adequately care for her because i’m having so much trouble giving her the needle and holding it in place while the fluids flow in. she doesn’t quite mind that part actually, as she probably can’t feel it much. but i shake so much, and if it starts to leak or if the needle pops out, i feel this heavy dizzying wave of doom and fear that is just so automatic. i know intellectually that the doom and fear holds no ground, that they are temporary passing objects. but i wake up with my skin tingling, and go to bed the same. i want to be with my cat, take care of her, have a healthy concern for her, but also be able to continue to enjoy my life at the same time. i have to work, and i have paying side projects that need to be finished, which is important because i live right around the poverty line and am always just making it by. i interrupt the momentum of these crazy feelings by enjoying my coffee, admiring the snow on the rooftops, smelling fresh air, heating the birds, stretching my body. but this blanket of “doom” seems to be draped over it all. it’s okay with me that her life is impermanent. i understand she is sick and even though i am able to prolong her life and make efforts to make her as comfortable as possible before she passes (or before i must decide to euthanize), but these moments leading up to it are just so full of terror for me. i shake as i text this. i know everything is okay. it must be. but i feel....like my skin is on fire, and i’m unable to work. i know i keep repeating myself here. it’s been a stream of consciousness. i don’t know what i’m looking for exactly. perhaps someone wants to share their perspective on it. thank you for reading.
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