I'm finding practice difficult right now

I'm struggling. I'm drinking, I even bought cigarettes for the first time in 8 months and I have a very strong desire to do drugs, but thankfully they're not available. I have had zero motivation to meditate, to run, to eat well. I'm even struggling with the motivation to self destruct (via self harm, purposely getting fired, arguments with those close to me), as has been a consistent feeling throughout previous depressive bouts. This time I'm not engaging in physical self harm, but I am indulging the desire to drink and smoke, and a familiar feeling is back - that even though I know what I'm doing I don't care and actively seem to be encouraging it.

I feel like this could be Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in and re aggravating symptoms of depression I'd mitigated with meditation and better lifestyle choices. I can't get a Dr's appointment for two weeks and even when we do meet, I feel that all my options are going to involve spending money I don't have (bright light) or taking medication (Prozac over a 10 month period made my depression significantly worse in the past).

Anyone any helpful ideas? Or even just people that experience similar feelings, do you have a story? It's nice to not feel alone in what does feel like very lonely times

submitted by /u/redtapr
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