How to heal from past abuse and how to improve my practice. Looking for input.
For those who want to get to the point of why I'm posting on /r/buddhism, paragraph 5 and on is about that. The rest is the background on why I'm posting in the first place and to look for similar cases to mine. The last paragraph explains what I wish to get out of this post. Thank you.
I was abused growing up. To some it may be considered mild, but whenever I did something wrong, instead of telling me why and talking to me about it, my dad would yell at the top of his lungs at me, even when I was crying he persisted. If I had something personal I needed to get off my chest, I had to risk judgement of my parents at the very least, if not yelling which scared the hell out of me and made me fearful of my father even to this day (I'm 23). My dad would spy on me, and made me have my desk across from the door to make sure I wasn't doing anything "wrong", censor what information I could access through content filtering programs. If I wanted to learn something new, I needed to go to my dad to unblock the website (they used whitelisting, so everything must be approved or it is blocked by default). I never felt any sense of freedom except when I could hide it.
My mom was judgemental as well. She told me multiple times that I could come to her if I had a problem, that what I shared was between me and her, but every single time she told my dad and I would get yelled at. Whenever I was hurt by her actions, she blamed me for being the cause. Even when I wrote a long email to her trying to explain to her the harm she caused to me, she never admitted fault. It was always my fault.
My dad always wonders why I never go to him for help, and for years I wasn't sure either. My mom thinks I'm ungrateful because she provides financial support. I've only relatively recently put the pieces of the puzzle together. Because of these experiences, I never was able to bond with them and I feel broken and betrayed because of past experiences. I can never go to them for help, I do not feel loved by them, and to this day I have problems with anxiety, depression, constant confusion, and inability to make decisions without questioning them and often deciding that my judgements couldn't be trusted (my parents always told me I was wrong. I was never "right" in their eyes).
Despite all of this, I'm very social, have a positive outlook on life and have great, understanding friends that I can trust.If it wasn't for my friends, I would be much worse off. They allowed me to understand my abuse, that I wasn't always wrong, always at fault, always stupid, etc.. To this day, I have incredible anger towards my parents for leading me to be so broken as an adult. Interacting with them to this day feels like I'm being poisoned. I want to get away from them, lead my life through my own actions. But due to their past actions, it's very hard.
I had discovered Buddhism about a year ago. From reading a few books on the subject (as well as books on anxiety, depression, and ADHD which I also have), I have learned that I alone am responsible for my own actions and future, and while other people may have influenced me in the past, it can all be fixed. This knowledge is very empowering and I know I can use it to become better, to lead a better life for myself and those around me (especially my friends who I love dearly).
But even though I understand that it is in my own power to solve these issues I have, it's still so very hard. In no way am I making an excuse for inaction on my part or that I am a helpless victim, far from it. I just wanted to share these feelings I've had bottled up inside me for so many years. I wanted to see how other people here have dealt with similar feelings and experiences. This post also has another purpose which is to get all my thoughts out so I can better understand myself and experiences, using this knowledge to create positive change in my life.
Through meditation, I have noticed my ability to handle my emotions have improved, but despite keeping to a habit of at least 5 minutes per day of meditation (recently I've been able to do 10 minute sessions or more and I do a few of these per day), the improvement is slow, and my anxiety, and depression still criple me. Even with mindfulness, my thoughts are cloudly, it's difficult to focus. Perhaps it's because I don't practice enough mindfulness through the day. I'm not entirely sure.
As for what I am looking for, I want to hear how others here have dealt with similar circumstances and to get advice on how to improve my mindfulness and meditation practice. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.
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