At a Crossroads

Lately, i've felt as though I'm almost always stuck between two decision points. Having come across the teaching, i've been faced with the idea that it's good to withdraw, it's good to be secluded. To do away with and slowly turn away from is only a prerequisite in order to get actual, real training and progress done for your mind. But this all goes against what everyone else wants, what others want, what i want.

Because i feel like i keep holding out on others. When it's my time to do or say anything, i get scared, and i can feel my anxiety. It's like, to live a life where i overcome that IS a path in and of itself. But for me to do this, i'd have to engage in chit chat, engage with the world, and if i do that, it would be impossible for me to also live a life where i renounce everything and everyone, because that would be contradictory.

So, i don't know what to do. The part of me that wants to go past myself, and live fully, and unconditionally, goes against that other part of me, which wants to just disengage. They are like two different flavors, each with their own set of tastes. The only thing i know is that i can't keep staying undecided. I have friends that are out there, and i just keep holding back, and it's not doing anyone any favors it seems.

I had decided to give it up at one point, but although i was filled with tranquil feelings, i also felt bland inside, feeling as though many of my attachments have been severed. It could be good, i think it probably is, but i also do not know.

And after waking up from this dream of mine this morning, i realize how badly i still want to reach out and connect with others. But i'm not sure how i can. That'd be to continue to build, to fabricate. That won't help in letting go.

Has anyone else had this same problem? Am i not seeing something for what it is? Could it be that i'm somehow, misapplying things?

Thanks, i could really use some guidance. Perhaps, even, the desire to connect is, simply, just another desire.

submitted by /u/lolabc12345
[link] [comments]

from Buddhism https://ift.tt/2QmlkC3