What is self?

Being told "there is no self" isn't going to teach me anything so I'm going to see what I can get from a dialogue about it.

I have been practicing Buddhism for a while now, I'm currently on a 7 day streak for meditation and I feel amazing. for context, I have been dealing with depression on and off for a decade or so up until now. I'm 25m.

I really like it and I really like how it makes me more aware of what's going on inside my head. It's extraordinary. I noticed just now that I not only like it because it helps me so much (I feel alive again!), but because I like the idea of using it as an identity for myself. "I'm a Buddhist now, that means my ego has something to cling to. It feels safe."

I was walking and thinking and I was pondering how buddhism is not a belief to cling to, but a practice and a way of life.

I think a lot, it kind of defines me. Mostly that's how I've been so depressed these past years, I try to think my way out of everything, and even when I'm not trying to do that, I just like to sit or walk or do whatever I'm doing and think, ponder, question, philosophize, etc. I've had a lot of time alone and living at home (24 years). A lot of time to do nothing but just survive and live inside my head.

I smoke a lot of weed too, unfortunately. I've tried to quit but found it very difficult. There's a lot of anger deep inside that I don't know what to do with and the MJ keeps tabs on it.

I do feel as though I'm really making progress in my practice, however. I'm feeling more hopeful. Trying to feel less "hopeful", too, in a way. You know, the old "abandon hope" mantra. Don't be fixated on results, focus on what you're doing. When I get fixated on results and on doing something great, I rush through it and it turns out terrible. So I try again even more frantically and it gets worse and my frustration builds. Not anymore, but that's how it was, or can be. I can see it all clearly now.

But if I slow down and be present and focused, I can really do a good job. This is a principle I noticed while I was drawing lotus flowers with my fude pen (筆ペン). I've been wanting to get back into drawing again, but I could never sit down and enjoy it. Now I'm starting to enjoy life again and see hope for the future rather than despair.

Got off topic there. But I've been wondering about rebirth lately too. That is to say, I guess I understand the concept of inter-being, at least superficially, but what am I if I am reborn? what am I now? what is "I"? What am I? What is "self"?

If my thoughts and feelings are the clouds and I am the sky, what is the sky? Emptiness? 空？

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