My own path to being non-denominational Buddhist

I am half Lao, half American; so growing up I went to a few different Lao Theravada temples. My family members told me not to trust other kind of Buddhism, so I always just took that as fact growing up.

I am thirty years old now, and my mother died earlier this year. She wanted everything to be as simple as possible for her funeral arrangements, so I opted for direct cremation with ceremonies at my mom's favorite temple. This wasn't really my "home temple" because I live far away. I haven't really had a temple I called home, even though I have always felt a connection to Buddhism.

But while I was visiting my mother's favorite temple is when three experiences really stuck out to me. I was called falang (epithet for foreigner, literally means French) and kathoey (ladyboy) by members of the sangha who thought I could not understand Thai. And after the ceremony, three of the monks asked me to ordain. I am in a same sex marriage, so I refused to ordain because one of the vows is a vow of sexual morality. I felt it would be hypocritical to spend a few days at a monastery and then return home to my husband.

I realized at that moment that my own personal attachments to Buddhism were cultural attachments because of my heritage and not feeling connected to the dharma. I looked around the temple that day, and I noticed how the temple was only first generation immigrants, mostly women, with nobody mixed race like myself, and nobody else under the age of 50. I also realized that I don't personally believe life as a monk is always the answer. Monasticism is the path for many people, but I don't think it should be the only available path to awakening.

That was the day I realized Theravada was not right for me. I harbor no ill will to the actual belief system, but I wanted a sangha that is more accepting of people of different cultural backgrounds and identities. I know the people who treated me poorly that day are just people, so I don't want to hold them accountable for the religion as a whole. I would still go to a Theravada temple if the opportunity presents itself.

I have been doing a lot more studying of Buddhist thought since my mom died. But the big difference is I am not limiting myself to one denomination. I am trying to find a path I can call my own.

I have since started going to a Jodo Shinshu temple near my town that I have found far more accepting. The sangha is ethnically diverse, not just Japanese, with many different age groups and families in attendance as well. I might not agree with every belief of Jodo Shinshu, but I think I would rather feel a part of an accepting community I agree with 80% of the time than a community that views me as an outsider. A guest lecturer at the temple offered me a great piece of advice in response to what I'm going through: We are all climbing up the same mountain. It doesn't matter which path you take; it just matters that you're higher up than where you started.

Anybody else have similar experiences to mine? Anybody else struggling with which path to call their own?

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