I never knew anger, now I do. I can't tame it.
I've been a Buddhist of nondescript path for most of my life, but I'm coming up against a huge hurdle and I'm hoping you guys can help.
Long story short, I was diagnosed with ADHD early in the year. The first medication I was on was a perfect fit in every way, it gave me a real opportunity to keep up with everyone around me. Unfortunately it was horribly expensive and the State's insurance fell through. The other variations of meds I tried after fell flat: either completely ineffective or the side effects outweighed the benefits.
But the original had one side effect, toward the bottom of the list, that got me good: anger.
And the opportunity has come up to switch back to it without skipping out on rent.
Thinking back, it turns out I didn't know what anger felt like my whole life. I would always reach the breaking point of frustration, and go straight to tears. Turns out, ADHD has a tendency to warp emotional processing. But then I have this medication that allows me to understand conversations as they're happening and engage on the spot, and I came to learn that I had plenty of things to be angry about. Too many coworkers had picked up on the way I was, and had used it to their advantage: gaslighting, ambushing, blaming, anything to offload their failures and responsibilities onto me, which I took without question. I used to keep the frustration from going too far by reminding myself I could be wrong or reacting too strongly over small things, but now I knew better.
I dissected the anger to understand it, bettered my situation the right way through superiors and plans and compromises. But when it was all said and done, the anger didn't go away. It felt like a cat was pretending to sleep in my chest, senses tuned for a bird or mouse to fall for the trap and get too close.
And the cat didn't stay at work: my fiancé voiced that I was sharper with him, and even when I clearly wasn't being snippy by context, there was "something" in my tone that led him to believe I would bite at any opportunity.
I've gone through enough "top ten anger management tips" to see nothing new that helped me then, but I never looked to Buddhism past what few tools I had and tried to make work.
TL;DR: I don't know the first thing about handling, reducing, or eliminating anger, whether it's appropriate or not. It's a package deal with the medication that ensures I can live a stable life, and is more persistent than run-of-the-mill "think happy thoughts" advice columns.
I don't want to turn to another medication just to reign in the first, without pursuing every resource I have. The doctor has already offered, but I told him to hold off. I want to handle this myself, and incorporating more Buddhism into my life won't be wasted effort if it doesn't work out!
[link] [comments]
from Buddhism https://ift.tt/2R55fy7
Post a Comment