Plauged with doubt
I so want to believe that there is an end to suffering, but all I feel is doubt. What can I believe in a world plauged with self-interest, conceit and ultimately egoism? How can I trust in any man? Who can you believe in a world driven by profit and greed? Is the 3rd noble truth even a truth at all (the end of suffering)? Or does it hold just as much legitimatacy as any ad on the tv/internet telling me that it has all the solutions to my problems?
It just seems too good to be true.. I mean how many other people also preach in their religions/doctrines/philosophies that they have the solution for all of mankind's ills? And I mean how many of them (if any) REALLY live up to their claims?
At times Buddhism's terminology seems to be steeped in a mysticism that can be borderline (if not directly) obfuscating. The material ethics of Buddhism also makes me suspicious. I mean if you have the ultimate truth that this material world is vanity, and everything is transient and futile then why make the whole damn show/fuss about the robes you wear or shaving your head? Why even give a damn about buddha statues, shaving your head or mandalas for that matter?
I mean when does this not become just another form of religious bombasity that is engineered to impress the gullible masses? At times this obession with appearance and ritual even mirrors the opulence of the Catholic church (even if it isn't usually nearly as extravagant).
It all comes down to this: I keep asking myself, "is Buddhism just another show, another narrative and another product crafted to give the unfortunates in life a false sense of hope and quasi-meaning to a life filled with pain and suffering?". Especially when we factor in that at the time that it was an appealing and viable spiritual alternative to the (particularly at the time) oppressive hindu caste system. Even though it was mostly expelled from India (at the time).
Then again I realize I could be (and probably am) asking foolish questions. Isn't doubt considered one of the most poisonous of the aggregates (if I'm not getting mixed up here) that we all most overcome on the path to enlightenment?
I understand that I'm probably completely misinterpreting Buddhism again. I mean the monks wear their robes, shave their heads and make mandalas to show their absolute devotion to the teachings of the Buddha. The Buddha never demanded blind faith and encouraged the opposite of it, and in order to free all beings from suffering then Buddhism needed to have a cultural impact; even if it meant embracing a kind of stereotype (as a monk).
I'm not trying to be some contrarian asshole, but I have I have a lot of doubts for good reasons (or at least I think so). When I read or hear that someone is claiming to have the ultimate and final truth I have knee-jerk reaction of skepticism. So many have come to me claiming they have all the answers I'm looking for inumerous times. Can you blame me?
Wisdom and especially compassion seem to so far away to me. I'm full of so much greed, anger and hatred. Misanthropy is something that I feel I will never overcome. When I look at how wretched the average man is I can't help but feel ill when I'm around human beings. In the furthest depths of my black heart all I feel like telling every person I know or have ever known is that he/she, I and every creature that exists or has ever existed in this universe is something that is better that never was.
If all the Buddha's that ever existed can't stop Mara or end Samsara once and for all then what is there to hope for? The depths of Nakara can never be emptied, and that is the cruelest tragedy one could ever imagine. How could the Buddha ever find peace when he knows that the wheel of dukkha\samsara will never end? Why can't Mara be stopped? Why can't the supremely foolish Brahma ever be finally contained once and for all?
I am plauged with doubt. I am drowning in suffering..
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