How to resolve apathy?
I really don't know anything anymore. It has been six months since I began meditating and I have had many positive benefits. But now I have run into a multitude of problems I cannot fix.
I am constantly cycling between states of extreme dullness and drowsiness, and energetic motivation. I also have come to know that I don't know anything at all and that existence itself is an unknown. I don't care about any worldly goals or achievements, but I don't care about the spiritual either. I think to myself 'I want to die', then I realise it's just a thought, that I don't know what it is to die, so how could I want to die, that is just a form of wanting directed in a particular direction. So, with a sigh, I will resign myself to the uncertainty of not knowing anything at all.
Studying is increasingly difficult as I really really don't care about what I am studying. The level of interest is so low that even though I am studying my 'favorite ' topics I simply don't care. This is becoming increasingly painful as the effort required is significant.
I don't want to live, I don't want to die, I don't know I, I don't know anything about anything and I feel like a paradox. I cannot grasp who I am, I just encounter confusion and conflict with no apparent end.
I don't know what to do. I will probably die of cold and starvation soon in the future because of my inability to do anything, because I don't care because nothing has any meaning anymore, and I don't know anything will be my undoing.
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from Buddhism https://ift.tt/2OhTguv
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