How to let go? Dealing with a loss...
Dear all,
I've been practicing Buddhism almost my whole life, but one core concept I can't seem to understand or grapple with is Buddha's teachings on "letting go".
Approximately five months ago I met someone, let's call this person "Person A". Our meeting seemed somewhat like a coincidence. Those of you who believe in "fate" or the "stars aligning" or have ever felt something similar of the sort, to me, personally, this is what it felt like. Person A and I share the same birthday, their name is exactly the name of someone dear to me in a past, and the lines on our palms were identical, our families are from the same place etc., When I spoke to Person A, I already felt I knew this person from a long time ago, they felt so familiar. It's difficult to explain, perhaps the feeling is like running into an old friend whom you haven't seen for years.
Right off the bat I felt a strong connection to Person A (this is prior to me even knowing their history and personal information). Every night we would talk and at first I didn't have any feelings for Person A, but it wasn't until I discovered their history and past did I begin falling hard for Person A.
When I discovered that this person had a history of depression, I wanted to be a light in their life to help them through their difficulties, sadness, and sorrow. Who knew that involving myself in their processes would lead to my own downfall.
Like most graduate students, I'm broke, I currently don't have a job, and scholarships all go toward tuition, books etc., Most weekends I would work labor jobs or cleaning jobs so that I could make a bit of money to buy things for Person A just so I could make them happy and smile. My act of giving was returned with scolding, callousness, and being ignored. This friendship was so one-sided, it was always me giving and trying to comfort this other person. It was always me being a pillar for them to lean on, but when I toppled over, no one was there for me.
Person A would often complain about me telling me that I was "too much" that they wanted space - this I understood, so I backed off and gave them space. But when I was away from this person, I would often ruminate in my own thoughts hoping they were okay and that they didn't have thoughts of suicide or what not. This led me to overthinking and worrying on their behalf. Mind you, this person whenever they needed me would just shoot me a text letting me know they wanted to chat. Otherwise, we'd go on for days without talking. Only when they felt 'lonely' or needed someone to talk to, was I brought into their mind and consideration.
As months went by, the distance between us grew further. I felt isolated, lonely, and ignored. But whenever I got into call with Person A, I would put on an act and hide my pain. I would try to be cheerful, silly, and bubbly so that they could be cheerful along side with me. This could only last so long.
Yesterday I broke. I told Person A all of my sufferings, how I felt, how they were treating me so poorly, how isolated and hurt I felt. The response I got was flippant, callous, and ice cold. Pretty much: "This is all self-inflicted. I did nothing to you. You did this to yourself." They weren't wrong. In a way it was self-inflicted, but how should I feel when I gave up my blood, sweat and tears just so that this person could feel better. I wanted to be a friend that Person A never had, I wanted to be a pillar of support for Person A and be everything they never had since childhood up until the present. However, now I realize this was so delusional of me. Who am I to think I could solve their problems, issues and troubles? Who was I to think I could be their good friend? No, I was wrong.
In the end, I chose to exit from this persons life. Although I cared for them unconditionally and loved them so much, I had to leave. I was too much for Person A, but most of all, I was killing myself in this relationship.
In my mind I keep thinking of the circumstances surrounding our relationship. From a Buddhist perspective, I guess my karmic debt to this person has been paid. Now I just have to reconcile with the situation and move on, yet moving on seems like the most difficult thing to do.
My heart feels heavy, I can hardly eat or have the motivation to get out of bed. Life feels pointless and dull. I don't know what to do to feel better and get my mind off of this person. So, this all leads up to one question. How do you let go of someone you love? I can't let go of them, they're always on my mind. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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