Deeply routed pessimistic doubt?

I can’t say this is new, but I have found it recently during meditation while practicing metta. I’m sure that we all have a rational voice in our beards keeping our selves in check so that we don’t confuse too many thoughts with PROFOUND insight. What I have feels similar, but it doesn’t feel helpful.

It’s a constant voice that says “this isn’t insight” and “these meditations don’t actually help” and “nothing you think is true” and “you think you found happiness but it’ll just fade” or “you will never get anywhere close to having a clear mind” and “there’s no real escape from suffering.” Just extremely negative things that cast a whole aura of doubt in my head and just make me feel miserable.

I confronted it with love. Tried to give it positivity. I would say “thank you for being here, doubt. Thank you for keeping me on my toes. Thank you for challenging me, for showing me what pain is.” But all it could respond with was “you’re just saying that to try and get rid of me. You don’t really love me.”

And I can’t really say it’s wrong, to be honest. I don’t like having it in my head. It just makes things harder for me. I feel incapable of letting it go because I’d just be proving it right, and even if I let go it wouldn’t leave me alone. But acceptance is difficult too. When I consider accepting the voice, the voice tells me “don’t fool yourself. You don’t want to accept me. You just see acceptance as a method to trick me and to get rid of me. Well I know everything you think. You can’t trick me because I am one with you. I AM you. You’re stuck with me.”

As I type this out, things are starting to make more sense to me. But I still feel like I’m getting my ass kicked. “I” feel like I let this voice get out of control. “I” feel like I’m being hurt and that I’m suffering because of this voice. But,“I” am starting to think that this voice is right. And of course, “I” am this voice.

Just about now it feels like the odds are stacked completely against me. But from the point of view of the voice, it feels like the odds are totally in my favor. It’s extremely strange. Can anyone relate to this at all??????

submitted by /u/happynothings
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