How can i sustain a living , when i don't want to ?
Hello r/buddhism , after getting inspired by a post in this sub, i too wanted to share my problems and desire for receiving some advice.
I do not know what I should call it but I do not want to go out, I have read somewhere that swami chinmayananda once said" There is nothing wrong with you if you want to hurry and reach home , and close yourself into solitude and ask for peace from the lord. nothing wrong if you desire zen and want to remove material conflict."
Being angry at this world for it's stupidity and injustice and so much mallice , i am finding it hard to live, i like to meditate and stay in my home , i am being pressurised by my parent's to find a job because they too want me to live a life of balance.
But I can't seem to even imagine going to see people who are immoral,unjust , i judge everybody too quickly and i don't feel bad for it, if somebody it non-veg, i don't like him/her and try to distance myself from that person. I try my best to not to be in toxic company. So much so that nothing makes me believe in reality , i know the time wasted in acquiring material wealth is time wasted, cause i don't find myself closer to truth with the outside world, only when i am with my own thoughts and meditate , do i find solace.
I suppose i would find it not difficult to be with the world, cause i am able to go into a different personality and act differently, but i don't want to create duality inside of me. For everything I do for my body and the world makes me sad and ultimately leads to my suffering cause I know, it's toxins will not help me reach the truth.
But if I were to try to find truth i would come to streets. The zen i get in solitude and shavasana makes me relax, but I can't find myself living.
It's either me being corrupted to an extent that I will become materialistic and commit sin which will make me forget myself or become extreme poor and homeless.
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