Can I give enlightenment back?

Events of this past year have led me to start addressing some mental health issues I've always had regarding depression and codependency. I thought things were on the right path, but it appears no. Late at night when I now have no other distractions (i.e obsessive thinking), I'm left alone with my emptiness. Through trying to read about this untethered feeling I have been getting, I discovered that feeling or thought I get that "I dont feel real" is because there is no me, a brain is just thinking. I get it, I get that I've been operating under an illusion of self...I'm just not sure how to go forward from here. Because to me this feels like life is pretty meaningless. I cant love anyone or anything because neither I really exist nor does anyone else. "We" are just a bunch of meaningless chemical processes. I dont want this to be true, and I'd like to give it back now. The work I have been doing that was making me feel better (self-care, self-awareness etc) all seems like bullshit now since there isnt a me to improve. I'm really struggling here guys. This doesnt feel like a gift to me, it feels like a death sentence and I dont want to go deeper I want to give it back.

submitted by /u/elzrival
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from Buddhism https://ift.tt/2DbIWmV